I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
