New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
