Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
