I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Randomize