Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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