Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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