We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
