just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
