he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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