it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
