i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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