I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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