If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
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