you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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