Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize