I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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