i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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