turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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