How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
