I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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