I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
