I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
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