Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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