loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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