I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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