I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
