I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
