it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
