i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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