Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Randomize
