i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Randomize
