i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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