Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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