Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Randomize