I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
