Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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