i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
