apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
