Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
