So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
