Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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