well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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