I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
