i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
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