I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
ttyl tear gas
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
