There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
