They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I look better un-naked...
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
