I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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