Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
