We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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