We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
