omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
