I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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