i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize