I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
