it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
My feet surprised me
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