You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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