It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
