i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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