They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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